A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.” The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you can ask him.”

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon”.
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like! Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10.You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”

Alles Touristen und Non-Technischen Looken Peepers!
Das machinkontrol is nicht for gefengerpoken und mittengrabben. Oderwise is easy schnappen der springenverk, blowenfus, und poppencorken mit spitzensparken.
Der Machine is Diggen by Experten Only!
Is nicht fur geverken by das dumpkopfen. Das rubber necken sightseenen keepen das cotton-picken hands in das pockets.
So relaxen, und vatchen das blinkenlights.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his check-up the doctor called the wife into the office alone. He said, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
1. Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.
5. Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day.
6. Don’t discuss your problems with him.
7. And most importantly, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
On the way home the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said to her.
“You’re going to die.” she replied.

Hello…..Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline…….
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly;
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2;
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6;
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just
stay on the phone until we can trace your call;
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you
which number to press;
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no
one will answer anyway.

Collards is green,
my dog’s name is Blue
and I’m so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flappin in the breeze.
Softer than Blue’s and without all them fleas.
You move like a bass, which excite me in May.
You ain’t got scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo’re as satisfy’n as okry jist a fry’n in the pan.
Yo’re as fragrant as “snuff” right out of the can.
You have some’a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we’re in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
well, I’m in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo’re there fer yore man,
to patch up life’s troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo’re as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin’ overhead.
You ain’t mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.
Yore complexion, it’s perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin’
despite all the years
yore age, it keeps hidin’.
Me ‘n you’s like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart
it’s romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
“That’s impressive,” I say.
Some men buy diamonds
from a flea market booth.
“Diamonds are forever,”
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man,
honey, these won’t do.
Cause yor’e too special,
you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
without taste and odor,
more useful than diamonds.
.It’s a new trollin’ motor!

SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA:
I Think I’ll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and
Streets and Stores and
Office and Town and Cars and Busses
and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and..
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna
Pout, Maybe I’ll tell you Why…
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock…………(better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to
Me (and then took it all away).
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire…

When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie
That’s amore.
When an eel bites your hand
And that’s not what you planned
That’s a moray.
When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That’s our mores.
When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four
That’s some more hay.
When Othello’s poor wife
She gets stabbed with a knife
That’s a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight
Used a sword in a fight
That’s Samurai.