The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI – noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire yew?”
BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.” Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”
JAWJUH – noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”
BAMMER – noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20,000,000 in improvements.”
MUNTS – noun. A calendar division. Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”
THANK – verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”
BARE – noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”
IGNERT – adjective. Not smart. See “Arkansas native.” Usage: “Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!”
RANCH – noun. A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts. Usage: “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”
ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”
FAR – noun. A conflagration. Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.”
TAR – noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”
TIRE – noun. A tall monument. Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”
RETARD – Verb. To stop working. Usage: “My grampaw retard at age 65.”
FAT – noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat. Usage: “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.”
RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”
FARN – adjective. Not local. Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed….mus’ be from some farn country.”
DID – adjective. Not alive. Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”
EAR – noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: “He cain’t breathe….give ‘im some ear!”
BOB WAR – noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”
JEW HERE – Noun and verb contraction. Usage: “Jew here that my brother from
Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”
HAZE – a contraction. Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah….haze ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit ‘n ‘is laf.”
SEED – verb, past tense of “to see”.
VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York, view?”

A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

Feeling Stressed?
Picture yourself near a stream…
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air…
Nothing can bother you here…
No one knows this secret place…
You are in total seclusion from that place called The World…
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity…
The water is clear…
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you’re holding under the water…
There now… feeling better?

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as Gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

Radar: “Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.”
Pilot: “Roger, but we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?”
Radar: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?”

Fellow 1 : “Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too.”
Fellow 2 : “Wow, that’s Incredible. How did he know all of that?”
Fellow 1 : “A judge told him.”

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.”
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog’s mouth, there is a twenty dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog’s mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it’s closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.
So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! You can read here  and find out how you can get you dogs trained like this!
There’s no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for Heaven’s sake!” To which the guy responds, “Yeah, right. This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job.”
Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!”
Manager: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.”
Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”
Manager: “Simple. The American put down on question # 5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down ‘Neither do I.'”

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, “Why’d you do that?
The trooper says, “You’re in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you’ll have your license ready.”
Driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”
The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean.
He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, “What’d you do that for?”
The cop says,”Just making your wishes come true.”
The passenger says, “Huh?”
The cop says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say, ‘I wish that cop would’ve tried that with me!'”

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis — does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
Q: How old is your son — the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere!