* Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
* Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
* Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
* Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
* Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
* How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
* If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
* If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
* If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
* If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
* You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
* Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
* Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
* Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
* You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
* If you throw your pet cat out your car window would that be called CAT LITTER?
* If you choke a Smurf, What color would it turn?
* Corn oil is made from corn, olive oil comes from olives, so what is Baby Oil made of?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it’s the ’90’s!, he’d be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she’d be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Monster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she’d be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she’d be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he’d be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he’d be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he’d be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quark’s brother on “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine”) has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he’d be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she’d be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. (This one may take a little longer to get)
If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he’d be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he’d be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, “Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy.”

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people’s ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater’s rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.
The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it’s easier to go faster when you’re always going downhill.
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian “pahks” his “cah,” the lost r’s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to “warsh” his car and invest in “erl wells.”

A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against… get this… fire. After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally. The man sued. The judge stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay. After the man accepted payment for his claim, the insurance company then had the man him arrested . . . for arson.

Every year ga-zillions of visitors flock to the District of Columbia to soak up the majesty of the nation’s capitol. You’ll notice they stop frequently in heavy traffic to consult the map, hail taxicabs in the middle of the Teddy Roosevelt bridge, drop ice cream on the Metro and leave it there, form lines for the Smithsonian buildings that Russians would eschew, and are generally clueless about how to live life in an expeditious way. Nevertheless, when they need assistance, they will turn to you for it. As an ambassador of the District, you should have something courteous to say:
Advice for tourists in DC:
*Don’t miss the weekly weenie roasts at the Eternal Flame
*Find and use the dining car on the Metro
*If the cab doesn’t have a meter, you ride for free
*Play a game of handball at the unique v-shaped black marble court on the mall by the Lincoln Memorial
*Make sure to visit the 19th century French Impressionist “Scratch & Sniff” room at the National Gallery of Art
*Give your dear, departed Fido or Tabby a suitable resting place at the Arlington National Cemetary–bring your own shovel
*Help keep the nation’s capital clean: after entering the Metro through the turnstyle, deposit your used fare card in the trash can
*If you miss your exit on the Beltway, don’t worry. Remember, it’s a circle, so just keep on going around, and before you know it, you’ll be back at your desired exit!
*Trinkets are awarded to anyone who can get the Secret Service agents guarding the President to laugh
*The best way to get to D.C. is to take the Capitol Beltway until you hit the Capitol.
*Flashing floor lights in the Metro signal an oncoming earthquake. Run for your life!
*Cheering is encouraged during oral arguments at the Supreme Court
*Single women should not miss Dupont Circle, where you will find many good-looking unmarried men
*For best results, crinkle up your dollar bills real good to “soften” them up before using the Metro card machines
*When taking a taxi, ask to see as many “zones” as possible. This is a delightful way to see the city.
*There’s free parking for Ryder rental trucks next to the FBI Building
*If you get thirsty while walking around town, stop in the Mayor’s office or residence and ask for some Coke
*To avoid blocking pedestrian traffic, press up real close to the person in front of you who is using the ATM
*Going to the zoo? Don’t forget to bring your swim trunks/suit for a refreshing dip in any of the zoo’s conveniently located moats
*Bring your clubs! Wednesday is ladies’ day at Burning Tree
*In all Metro stations, be sure to stop immediately at the top or bottom of each escalator and take a roll call of everyone in your party before proceeding.

1. A few clowns short of a circus.
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
3. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
4. A few beers short of a six-pack.
5. Dumber than a box of hair.
6. A few peas short of a casserole.
7. Doesn’t have all her Corn Flakes in one box.
8. The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.
9. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
10. One taco short of a combination platter.
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
12. All foam, no beer.
13. The cheese slid off her cracker.
14. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
15. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
17. Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
18. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
20. As smart as bait.
21. Chimney’s clogged.
22. Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
23. Doesn’t know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
24. Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
25. Forgot to pay her brain bill.
26. Her sewing machine’s out of thread.
27. His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
28. His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
29. If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
31. No grain in the silo.
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
33. Receiver is off the hook.
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
35. Skylight leaks a little.
36. Slinky’s kinked.
37. Surfing in Nebraska.
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts.

[E]very mechanism that is characterized by extreme complexity and automatism, combined with a far-reaching range and unity, must inevitably conceal the originative mind from every intelligence that is far below its own capacity, and must therefore appear to such an intelligence as wholly “mindless”, although its real nature may be quite the reverse.  —J. E. Turner (1926)

Here we have not to do with the union of absorption, but with a union that grows out of reciprocal intercourse, a union of heart and will and intellect; and such a union is possible only between personal beings. Only the personality of God makes possible the union of communion with him.  —Albert C. Knudson (1930)

Now and again a great religious teacher lays bare the secrets of his inmost spirit, less for the conviction of opponents than for the confirmation of kindred souls . . .  —J. R. Illingworth (1894)