Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter says “Heaven is so full that we have to give you an entrance exam to come in.”
Forrest replies, ” I shore hope it isn’t too hard I’m not very good at tests.”
St. Peter says: “First question, how many days in the week begin with T and what are they?”
Forrest answers: “Well two, today and tomorrow.”
“That isn’t quite what I had in mind but, I’ll give it to you.” St. Peter said. “Ok, the next question: how many seconds are there in a year?”
Forrest thought for a minute and said, “Well, I reckon there are twelve. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd . . . ”
St. Peter put up his hand. “Well, not the answer I was looking for, but it is correct so I’ll have to give that one to you also. Ok, final question: What is God’s first name?”
“Well, that’s easy. It’s Howard”.
“Howard? How in Heaven did you come up with Howard?”
“You know, ‘Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name”.

This man was painting the church one Saturday to get it nice and spiffy for services on Sunday. He had two sides of the church done when he realized that he didn’t have quite enough paint to finish. Since he was many miles from where he could buy more paint and he was running out of time, he decided to thin the paint down to have enough to finish the job.
After finishing the third wall, he realized he had to thin the paint even more to make it stretch. He finally finished and stood back to admire his work when it started to rain. He watched in dismay while the paint ran down the windows and exposed the old color on the last two walls he had painted.
The pastor came outside to see what was going on and saw the look of disappointment on the man’s face. The man confessed what he had done to make the paint last. The pastor, wanting to ease the man’s burden said, “Then repaint, and thin no more.”

I want to thank you, Lord, for being close to me so far this day.
With Your help, I haven’t been impatient, lost my temper, been grumpy, judgmental or
envious of anyone.
But I will be getting out of bed soon and I think I will really need your help then.

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks’ door.
The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. “Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the skinny man.
“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the lumberjack. “Take your axe and go cut it down.”
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack’s door.
“I cut the tree down,” said the man. The lumberjack couldn’t believe his eyes and said, “Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?”
“In the Sahara Forest,” replied the puny man.
“You mean the Sahara Desert,” said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back, “Oh sure, that’s what they call it now!”

Moses: And God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the Chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the Chicken crossed the road,and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did *not* cross the road.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, “What the heck was this *chicken* doing walking around all over the place anyway?”
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2012, which will not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents AND balance your checkbook. Unfortunately, when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
Oliver Stone: The question is not “Why did the chicken cross the road?” But is rather “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dis-positioned to cross roads.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him and keep in him down.
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road — it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Colonel Harlan Sanders: I missed one?

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
“Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons ?”
“Well… as a matter if fact, Yes !” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”

When Ma & Pa first arrived on the homestead Pa installed a bell on the front porch and told Ma if trouble comes while I’m out in the field a plowin’ then you just ring that bell and I’ll come a running.
The next day Pa hears the bell and takes off for home. When he arrives Ma says, “Them boys are givin me a hard time about doin the chores and little Sammy done stuck the butter knife in the molassas without lickin the blade clean first.”
Pa says, “You mean I just run all the way in from the fields for this?? Next time it had better be important!”
The next day Pa hears the bell and takes off for home again. When he arrives his wife is in tears standing over a broke clothes line. “Pa”, she says “some jackass came ridin through here on a mule and ran right through the clothes line and rurnt the washin.” At first Pa was trying to figure out what was ridin what but then he yells “I told you not to ring that bell unless something bad was goin’ on. If this happens again I’m goin’ to raise holy hell!!!”
The next day Pa hears the bell again and grabbin up a board heads for home. When he arrives Ma is clinging to the porch rail with a spear in her back, the house behind her is in flames and the chickens are laying dead in the front yard, shot full of arrows.
Pa looks at Ma and says “Now that’s more like it.”

After the Revolution, Americans looked at the maple tree in a new light. To the eminent Philadelphia patriot and physician Benjamin Rush, maple sugar seemed perfectly tailored to the new republic. Here was a commodity that could compete in a global market, bolstering the independence of yeoman farmers, and demonstrating the superiority of free labor. It tapped an abundant resource, required only a small amount of labor, and used supplies most farmers already owned. Best of all, it would destroy the market for Caribbean sugar cane, produced by slaves laboring in horrifying conditions. Rush set down his reflections in the form of a letter to his friend Thomas Jefferson, which he presented publicly in 1791, concluding:
I cannot help contemplating a sugar maple tree with a species of affection and even veneration, for I have persuaded myself, to behold in it the happy means of rendering the commerce and slavery of our African brethren, in the sugar islands as unnecessary, as it has always been inhuman and unjust.
Aevia — Consider the Source

Testing yourself repeatedly before an exam teaches the brain to retrieve and apply knowledge from memory. The method is more effective than re-reading a textbook, says Jeffrey Karpicke, an assistant professor of psychological sciences at Purdue University. If you are facing a test on the digestive system, he says, practice explaining how it works from start to finish, rather than studying a list of its parts.
Aevia — Consider the Source

An elderly couple were experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class, where they teach you to remember things by association.
Later, the man was talking to a neighbor about how much the class helped him.
“Who was the instructor?” asked the neighbor.
“Oh, let’s see,” pondered the man. “Umm…what’s that flower, you know, that smells real nice, but it has those thorns…?”
“A rose?” offered the neighbor.
“Right,” said the man. He turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the guy we took that memory class from?”