Late one evening, a man showed some friends his apartment.
One guest asked “What’s that big brass basin for?”
“That’s the talking clock,” answered the man. He gave it an ear shattering pounding with a hammer.
Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, “Knock it off, it’s 2 a.m., you idiot!”

Three sons of a Yiddishe Mama left their homeland, went abroad and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother.
AVRAHAM, the first, said: “I built a big house for our mother.”
MOISHE, the second, said: “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
DAVID, the youngest, said: “You remember how our mother enjoys reading the bible. Now she can’t see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible — Mama just has to name the chapter and verse.”
Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother.
AVRAHAM, she said, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
MOISHE, she said, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver has shpilkas — he’s a pain in the tuchas.
But DAVID, she said, THE CHICKEN WAS DELICIOUS.

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived
on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.. Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as “mother”, although she didn’t mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother’s house. She said, “But mother, won’t this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the
woods?” Red Riding Hood’s mother assured her that she had called the union
boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form. “But mother,
aren’t you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?” Red Riding Hood’s mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free “But mother, then shouldn’t you have my brother carry the basket, since he’s an oppressor, and should learn what it’s like to be oppressed?” And Red Riding Hood’s mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn’t stereotypical women’s work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community..
“But won’t I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she’s sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?” Red Riding Hood’s mother explained that her grandmother wasn’t actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called “health”..
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off..
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors. Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to “come out” of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models..
On her way to Grandma’s house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper,
and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers. She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. Red Riding Hood’s teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to have dialogue with the Wolf. She replied, “I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity.” The Wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.” Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist
remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way.”
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her
Grandmother’s house. But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma’s house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma’s nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.. Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, “Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch.” The Wolf said softly “Come closer, child, so that I might see you.” Red Riding Hood said, “Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!”
“You forget that I am optically challenged.”
“And Grandma, what an enormous, and what a fine nose you have.”
“Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn’t give in to such societal pressures, my child.”
“And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!”
The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly..
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. “You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!” The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.
At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax..
“Hands off!” cried the woodchopper..
“And what do you think you’re doing?” cried Little Red Riding Hood..
“If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams.”
“Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!” screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head..
“Thank goodness you got here in time,” said the Wolf. “The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner.” “No, I think I’m the real victim, here,” said the Woodchopper. “I’ve been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I’m going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?”
“Sure,” said the Wolf..
“Thanks.”
“I feel your pain,” said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said “Do you have any Maalox?”
THE END

Scene:
A courtroom in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he’ll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.
“Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. “Within one minute, the deceased victim in this case will walk into this courtroom,” he continued looking at the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look eagerly. A minute passes, nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says, “Actually, I made up the previous statement, but you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”
The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returns and the representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.
“But how?” inquires the lawyer. “You must have some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.” And the jury responds, “Oh, we admit that we looked, but your client didn’t!”

A letter home from school
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
A week later….. a letter from “home”
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a
NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
“In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However,” he pointed out, “there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah. Right.”

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.
One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was
standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just
come up or was about to go down.”
The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on
the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or
had just woken up!”
The third lady smiles smugly. “Well, my memory’s just as good as it’s always
been, knock on wood.” She raps the table. Then, with a startled look on her face,
she asks, “Who’s there?”

They were the first to attempt to colonize Mars. They had landed with grass seeds to plant and horse, sheep and cattle embryos. But the grass wouldn’t grow and none of the calves would survive. The horses and sheep were doing well, but there were not enough to meet their needs. So they sent a message to earth asking for more sheep and horses and a replacement for the cattle and grass. They particularly wanted an animal that could be used as meat in place of beef.
Earth radioed back asking if venison would be satisfactory and it was. Finally a space shuttle arrived with the needed supplies. The bill of lading was rushed to the leader of the colony who then spoke to his consul, “we got everything we asked for. They sent mare zygotes and doe zygotes and little lambs and ivy.”

Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation–the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost — water vapor in the air becoming a solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.
Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas (expecting “dry ice” as the answer), a previously unknown section of my
mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word “burrito.”
It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.

There once was a rich man who was dying. While on his death bed, he tried to negotiate with God to have God allow him to bring his earthly treasures with him to heaven.
‘God, please, I have worked so hard to accumulate all these riches. Can’t I bring them along?”
“This is very unusual,” said God, “but since you have been such a faithful steward, I will allow you to bring one suitcase.”
The man immediately had a servant fill a large suitcase with gold bricks. Shortly thereafter, he died. When he arrived at the pearly gates, he was stopped by St. Peter.
“I’m sorry sir, but you know the rule — ‘you can’t take it with you.’ You may enter, but the suitcase has to stay outside.”
“But God told me I could bring one suitcase,” the man protested.
“Well, if God says it’s O.K. — but I still need to examine the contents before you enter.”
St. Peter took the suitcase from the man, opened it, and, looking very puzzled, said to the man, “You brought pavement?”