Alabama: At Least We’re not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t be Wrong!
Arizona: But It’s a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain’t Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: 400,000 Square Miles of Identity Crisis
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: Without Atlanta we’re Alabama.
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho:More Than Just Potatoes… Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”Indiana:2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Seven Last Names
Louisiana: We’re Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We’re Really Cold,But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man’s Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney…
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl… It’s What’s For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island.
South Carolina: We Have Never Actually Surrendered to the North.
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: Leading the Way to the 20th Century
Texas: A Whole ‘Nother Country!
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw yokels Don’t Mix?
Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family – Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that humans had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell God so. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you; We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t You just go on and get lost.” God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this? Let’s say we have a man-making contest.” To which the scientist replied, “Okay, great!” “But,” God added, “we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.” The scientist said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt.”

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours?
Gloria
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate,
had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate,
you weren’t sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain
was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess
it’s possible he could be out there practicing
law somewhere.

Element name: WOMAN Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there) Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled. Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic weight: (180+/-50) Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples. Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, “Preacher, I don’t believe the Bible mentions PMS.”
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, …
“… And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem.”

The following are actual sentences taken from insurance claims files where the
driver tries to summarize the accident in the fewest words possible.
1) Coming home I drove into the wrong house causing me to collide with a
tree I don’t have.
2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
intentions.
3) I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my
head through it.
4) I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5) A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
6) The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times
before I hit him.
7) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law,
and headed over the embankment.
8) I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I
didn’t see the other car.
9) I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and
had an accident.
10) I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
11) As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place
where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in
time to avoid the accident.
12) To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the
pedestrian.
13) My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
14) An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
15) I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found
that I had a skull fracture.
16) I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of
the road when I struck him.
17) The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
18) The telephone pole was approaching, I was attempting to swerve out of
its way, when it struck the front end of my car.
19) I saw a slow moving, sad faced old man as he bounced off the hood of
my car.
20) The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car
with a big mouth.
21) I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a
ditch by some cows.

A Microsoft salesperson died and went to the place where destinies are handed
out. The person in charge welcomed the Microsoft sales person and said: “We’re doing this different these days. I’m going to show you a video of heaven and a video of hell. Then, you can decide where you want to spend eternity.”
The Microsoft sales person was thrilled that he was going to have an
opportunity to choose, so he sat down and watched the videos. The video of heaven was beautiful, tranquil and sedate. There were quiet, intellectual discussions, and people meditating. The Microsoft sales person decided that this wasn’t really his “cup of tea,” so he watched the video of Hell. WHAT A PLACE!!! There was a beautiful resort, lovely people in great clothes, food everywhere and all the golf you wanted for FREE. “This is my idea of eternity,” he said.
The person in charge, then, snapped his fingers and the Microsoft salesperson was in Hell. There were flames, heat, ugliness, people crying in despair. “What is this?” yelled the Microsoft salesperson. “This isn’t what I expected.” Oh, said the person in charge of Hell, you must have seen the video.

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?” The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce’s.”
The attorney said, “Well, do you have any grounds?” The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.” The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?” The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.” The attorney said, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?” The farmer said, “Yea I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.” The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?” The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.” The exasperated attorney said, “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?” The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”
Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way, “WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?” And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”
In all their years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on a recent afternoon, curiosity got the best of her so she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening at dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much, and I gave in. Now, though, I just have to know, why do you keep empty cans in that box?”
Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
Hillary said, “I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I suppose 3 times is not that bad considering how many years we’ve been married.”
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “Why do you have all that money in the box?”
Bill answered, “Whenever the box got full, I cashed in the empties.