World History — Student Version
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.
The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”
God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother’s birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without star. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Later came Job, who had one trouble after another. Eventually, he lost all his cattle and all his children and had to go live alone with his wife in the desert.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns–corinthian, ironic, and dorc–and built the Apocalypse. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in “The Iliad,” by Homer. Homer also wrote “The Oddity” in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advise. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.
The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out the words, “Tee hee, Brutus.” Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Rome came to have too many luxuries and baths. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. They took two baths in two days, and that’s the cause of the fall of Rome. Today, Rome is full of fallen arches.
Then came the Middle Ages, when everyone was middle aged. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery with brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful women. King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. And victims of the blue-bonnet plague grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. During this time, people put on morality plays about ghosts, goblins, virgins, and other mythical creatures. Another story was about William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their
human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for
selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a
bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made him
the father of the Renaissance.
The government of England was a limited mockery. From the womb of Henry VIII
Protestantism was born. He found walking difficult because he had an abbess on
his knee.
Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When
Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, “hurrah.” Then
her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
It was an age of the great inventions and discovered. Gutenberg invented the
Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter
Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started
smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare
was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his
merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors.
In one of Shakespeare’s famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by
relieving himself in a long soliloquy. His mind is filled with the filth of
incestuous sheets which he pours over every time he sees his mother. In
another play, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by
attacking his manhood. The proof that the witches in “Macbeth” were
supernatural is that no one could eat what they cooked.
The clown in “As You Like It” is named Touchdown, and Romeo and Juliet are an
example of a heroic couplet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote “Donkey
Hote.” The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote “Paradise Lost.”
Then his wife died and he wrote “Paradise Regained.”
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships
were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress.
The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many
babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their
tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without
stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over
stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the
colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas
Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration
of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his
pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing
two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.”
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of
Our Country. His farewell address was Mount Vernon.
Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic
hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare
arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest President. Lincoln’s mother died in
infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.
When Lincoln was president, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, “In onion
there is strength.”
Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to
Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his
seat by one of the actors in a moving pictures show. The believed assinator
was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire
invented electricity and also wrote a book called “Candy.” Gravity was
invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the
apples are falling off the trees.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of
children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his
attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was
half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even through he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud
music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for
him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished
before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars,
the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish
gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon’s flanks. Napoleon
became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He
wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she
couldn’t have any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the
East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She
sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her
reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great
personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The
invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyprus
McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for
rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the “Organ of the Species.”
Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist,
ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.