Bob Kalk

1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 2. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. 3. Money can’t buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with. 4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before. 5. Psychiatrists say that 1 … Read more

An elderly couple were experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class, where they teach you to remember things by association. Later, the man was talking to a neighbor about how much the class helped him. “Who was the instructor?” asked the neighbor. “Oh, let’s see,” pondered the man. “Umm…what’s that … Read more

Twas the night before Christmas and all through la casa Not a creature was stirring; !Caramba! ?Que pasa? Los nin~os were all tucked away in their camas, Some in vestidos, and some in pijamas, While Mama worked late in her little cocina, El Viejo was down at the corner cantina. The stockings were hanging con … Read more

Before going home for Christmas … Go to the back of your closet, and take out those ugly sweaters and shirts that your parents gave you last Christmas. Then toss them into the washer with a few large stones, or run a sanding block over them a few times. Make sure that they look old … Read more

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again. I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four-star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks. I … Read more

Alabama: At Least We’re not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t be Wrong! Arizona: But It’s a Dry Heat Arkansas: Litterasy Ain’t Everthing California: As Seen on TV Colorado: 400,000 Square Miles of Identity Crisis Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water Florida: Ask … Read more

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that humans had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell God so. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you; We’re to the point that … Read more

Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you … Read more

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? Coroner: No. Attorney: Did you listen to the heart? Coroner: No. Attorney: Did you check for breathing? Coroner: No. Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren’t sure the man was dead, were you? Coroner: Well, let me put it this … Read more

Element name: WOMAN Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there) Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled. Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able … Read more