Twas the night before Christmas and all through la casa
Not a creature was stirring; !Caramba! ?Que pasa?
Los nin~os were all tucked away in their camas,
Some in vestidos, and some in pijamas,
While Mama worked late in her little cocina,
El Viejo was down at the corner cantina.
The stockings were hanging con mucho cuidado,
In hopes that St. Nicholas would feel obligado,
To bring all the children, both buenos and malos,
A nice batch of dulces and other regalos.
Outside in the yard there arose such a grito
That I jumped to my feet like a frightened cabrito.
I ran to my window and looked out afuera,
And who in the world do you think that it era?
St. Nick in a sleigh and big red sombrero
Came dashing along like a crazy bombero!
And pulling his sleigh, instead of venados
Were eight little burros, approaching volados.
I watched as they came, and this quaint little hombre
Was shouting and whistling and calling by nombre:
“!Ay, Pancho! !Ay, Pepe! !Ay, Cuca! !Ay, Beto!
!Ay, Chato! !Ay, Chopo! !Ay, Maruca y Nieto!
Then standing up tall with his hand on his pecho,
He flew to the top of our very own techo.
With his round little belly like a bowl of jalea,
He struggled to squeeze down our old chimenea.
Then, huffing and puffing, at last in our sala,
With soot smeared all over his read suit de gala,
He filled all the stockings with lovely regalos.
He turned like a flash and was gone like viento,
And I heard him exclaim–and this is verdad–
“Merry Christmas to all! !Feliz Navidad!

Before going home for Christmas …
Go to the back of your closet, and take out those
ugly sweaters and shirts that your parents gave
you last Christmas.
Then toss them into the washer with a few large stones,
or run a sanding block over them a few times. Make sure
that they look old and worn out when you get done.
And most importantly, make sure that you’re WEARING these
items when you get to your parent’s house!
Try to give them the impression that you only had one shirt
to wear all year (the one that THEY gave to you, of course).
We want them to see how tough your money situation has been.
If you do this right, … you’ll have an extra $50 or $100
in your pocket when you go back for the spring semester!

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again. I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four-star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks. I want to think M&M’s are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day. I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn’t bother you, because you didn’t know what you didn’t know and you didn’t care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset. I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want to live simple again. I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow. So . . . here’s my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you’ll have to catch me first, cause. . . .Tag! You’re it.

Alabama: At Least We’re not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t be Wrong!
Arizona: But It’s a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain’t Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: 400,000 Square Miles of Identity Crisis
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: Without Atlanta we’re Alabama.
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho:More Than Just Potatoes… Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”Indiana:2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Seven Last Names
Louisiana: We’re Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We’re Really Cold,But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man’s Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney…
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl… It’s What’s For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island.
South Carolina: We Have Never Actually Surrendered to the North.
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: Leading the Way to the 20th Century
Texas: A Whole ‘Nother Country!
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw yokels Don’t Mix?
Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family – Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that humans had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell God so. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you; We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t You just go on and get lost.” God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this? Let’s say we have a man-making contest.” To which the scientist replied, “Okay, great!” “But,” God added, “we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.” The scientist said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt.”

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours?
Gloria
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate,
had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate,
you weren’t sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain
was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess
it’s possible he could be out there practicing
law somewhere.

Element name: WOMAN Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there) Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled. Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic weight: (180+/-50) Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples. Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, “Preacher, I don’t believe the Bible mentions PMS.”
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, …
“… And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem.”

The following are actual sentences taken from insurance claims files where the
driver tries to summarize the accident in the fewest words possible.
1) Coming home I drove into the wrong house causing me to collide with a
tree I don’t have.
2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
intentions.
3) I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my
head through it.
4) I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5) A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
6) The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times
before I hit him.
7) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law,
and headed over the embankment.
8) I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I
didn’t see the other car.
9) I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and
had an accident.
10) I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
11) As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place
where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in
time to avoid the accident.
12) To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the
pedestrian.
13) My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
14) An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
15) I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found
that I had a skull fracture.
16) I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of
the road when I struck him.
17) The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
18) The telephone pole was approaching, I was attempting to swerve out of
its way, when it struck the front end of my car.
19) I saw a slow moving, sad faced old man as he bounced off the hood of
my car.
20) The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car
with a big mouth.
21) I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a
ditch by some cows.