We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted – telepath: you know where to apply
I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
I love cats … they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Keep honking, I’m reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
Cats… the other white meat.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Forget about World Peace…..Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He/She who laughs last thinks slowest
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They’ll be choosing your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… till you can find a rock.
I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.