Definitions: (1) living together harmoniously; getting along well together; (2) in agreement; congruous; compossible; simpatico
Derivation: Latin, “to suffer with”
Compatible Qualities: obliging, perseverance
Comments: This is the quality of relationships. The type of relationship referred to in the following is one of mates. There are seven primary components of a complete relationship: chemistry, comfort, companionability, communication, care, creativity, and commitment.
1. Chemistry
A. Physical
This is where it all begins. There must be attraction. The physical senses ask to be satisfied: looks, voice, smell, touch, taste.
Compatible qualities: clean, neat
Note: Familiarity may not be so severe as to breed contempt, but the wonder and luster does wear thin as you get to know the patterns and responses of another person. Physical attractions lose their spark and intensity even more quickly if the extent and depth of the attraction is only hormonal.
B. Emotional
a. The emotional senses (feelings) are stimulated in symmetry with the physical.
Compatible qualities: energy, passion, sexiness
b. The emotional feeling may last a long time and even rekindle periodically, but emotions usually mellow into more tender characteristics.
Compatible qualities: comfortable, gentle, snug
c. Do not become complacent – taking the other person for granted. Let him or her know your feelings.
Compatible qualities: open-hearted, open-minded
C. Spiritual
The feeling you have found your true mate at the beginning stage is proven reliable only in time. Do not be fooled by the chemistry into predictions of forever. Be satisfied with the joy and energy of the moment. If there is a feeling of “all is perfect,” remember: people tend to forget how to be perfect.
Compatible qualities: farsighted, playful
2. Comfort
A. Easygoing
The ease you feel with each other is a blessing when it happens in the beginning of a relationship. The longer it stays true, the more blessed you are. But you have to nurture it properly for that to happen. At first the fact you don’t know all of the habits and incompletenesses of each other is part of the excitement. When you are infatuated with the good feelings of passion and expectation there is an abundance of tolerance. Enjoy each other with the realization that things will change. Fortunately, people also remember how to be perfect.
Compatible qualities: consistency, cordiality, friendliness, relaxation, sweetness
B. Common ground
This is where the social, racial, age, gender, political, and religious factors come in. How will you raise the children if they are or will be present? Your family and environmental influences can be very weighty. If you realize a difference, it need not be perceived as a negative. Decide if the gap is too wide for who you are. You have an opportunity for growth in every situation. And every situation is different. Make a judgment as to what you can expect.
Compatible qualities: judicious, nonjudgmental
C. Security
One must discover the level of security of the other. Can you support that need? Will money be an issue? How important is career? Is your mate more passionate about his or her job than you are about yours? Remember that no one can fulfill all of the needs of another.
Compatible qualities: practicality, safety, self-esteem
3. Companionability
A. The essence of relationships
Once you feel your compatibility, your true companionability is yet to be explored. This and communication are the guts of a relationship. This is your living space, your habits and hopes.
Compatible qualities: diversity, humor, common interests
B. Independence
Both people must feel they have the freedom of independent thinking and action. It is essential to have mutual respect for the existing and developing talents of the other. Each person must be able to move independently within his or her own sphere of needs and wants, even while keeping in mind those of the other person. Sacrifices and compromises have to be made. Keep it balanced and fair.
Compatible qualities: encouragement, helpfulness
4. Communication
A. Conversation
Can you talk about anything? Can you share everything? Are you a good listener? Say it! Ask it! Communication need not be verbal, but your appreciation does need to be expressed.
Compatible qualities: honesty, intuition, perceptivity, sincerity, understanding
B. Expectations
It is important to explore expectations. Is it the white picket fence or the freedom to roam the world? What about the probability that things will change?
Compatible qualities: adaptable, broad-minded
C. Confrontation
Have you developed a constructive way of arguing, disagreeing, and making up?
Compatible qualities: diplomacy, discreetness, forgiveness, tactfulness
D. Intelligence
a. Do you have a similar intellectual range? Are your levels of experience (schooling and life lessons) similar? How about history?
Compatible qualities: insightful, knowledgeable
b. Do you have a similar intellectual technique? You must discover if you process information mentally and the other processes it emotionally. The speed of these two methods are different. You need to allow for that.
Compatible qualities: logic, lucidity, mercifulness, observant, patience
5. Care
A. You gotta have heart
Compatible qualities: gentleness, sensitivity
B. Give and take
Every relationship requires a certain percentage of your energy. It is often said a relationship is a fifty-fifty proposition. This is not true. When you are first “in love” there is no question, the mutual giving is one hundred percent. What is required in the long run is for each to continually give at the highest percentage possible. You can become clear on how to give and how to receive.
Compatible qualities: compromise, concern, consideration, contributive, cooperative, courtesy, flexibility, forgiveness, politeness, respectful, thoughtful
6. Creativity
A. Imagination
Every relationship needs an infusion of creativity.
Compatible qualities: boldness, decisiveness, interest, motivation
B. Goal setting
What are your individual and your shared goals? Can you share them? Do you delight in the delight of the other? Once you know what they like, give it to them.
Compatible qualities: artistry, generosity, inspiration
7. Commitment
A. Practical faithfulness
Every relationship has a beginning. How long it lasts is up to many factors. Any long-range commitment is made up of periodic decisions to continue. If you are deciding out of fear, guilt, obligation, expectation, or laziness, you are not being fair to yourself or to your friend.
Compatible qualities: sensible, wise
B. Growing
Are you giving yourself and the other the time and support to grow?
Compatible qualities: foresight, nurturing, stick-to-itive
C. Separation
When it ends as one relationship, do you have what it takes to allow it to continue in a different way? This includes the separation of death.
Compatible qualities: clarity, courage, curiosity, sympathy
NOTE: If you don’t have all seven of these elements in your relationship, then you are settling for less than you deserve or are giving more than you should.
Types of Relationships: Mother/son, mother/daughter, father/son, father/daughter, sibling to sibling, man to man, woman to woman, man and woman, employer and employed, public servant and citizen, friends, enemies, person to animal, person to project