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In his 1989 Feeling Good Handbook, Dr. David Burns described what he termed Cognitive Distortions. The target demographic for the doctor’s book was anyone that might be suffering from bouts of depression. He wrote that “We all tend to think in extremes…and when traumatic events happen we think that way even more.” Although the book was authored for the people who are most inclined to internalize the “glass half full” kind of negative interpretations for the circumstances of life, experience has also shown that such “distortions” can affect everyone’s perception of others.
In the late 1990s, I was asked to organize and develop a peer support group for single parents. As one might imagine, the group spent a lot of time processing a wide variety of frustrations. It was a co-ed group, mostly comprised of people that were pretty ticked-off with the other parent, whether he or she was an estranged lover or a former spouse, One evening, we prayerfully considered the entire list of cognitive distortions in light of our own feelings.
Burns had suggested the reader consider the common cognitive distortions to, and I quote: “see if any of them are getting in your way.” I had shared the list with our group to see if the items on it would somehow apply if, in addition to blaming ourselves, we were blaming another person. In the case of what might be described as self-loathing, Burns had suggested the distortions could be internalized as follows”
- Because your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.
- You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.
- You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened.
- You reject positive experiences by insisting they “don’t count” for some reason.
- You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.
- You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you and don’t bother to check it out.
- You anticipate that things will turn out badly and feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact.
- You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else’s achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other fellow’s imperfections).
- You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are.
- You try to motivate yourself as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything.
- Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: “I’m a loser.”
- You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event for which, in fact, you were not primarily responsible.
As members of our group discussed each of these points and how they may have applied to ourselves, it was easy to see the loving / loathing fulcrum and just how such habits of thought could also be directed at others that we might be inclined to write off as worthless. We acknowledged the need to develop a more charitable attitude. And, although the group made a concerted effort to forgive, it was clear that, at times, this was not heart-felt or that it was done grudgingly.
Our regular meeting place was a church parlor and, clearly, the elephant in the room was the example Jesus gave when he was targeted by certain hateful Pharisees, scribes, Sadducees, and Herodians. They wanted to distract and entrap Jesus while effectively burning off any time he would otherwise have for the proclamation of certain teachings they found to be problematic.
Their spokesman identified himself as a lawyer and asked Jesus which, in his opinion, is the greatest commandment. Jesus answered saying: “There is but one commandment, and that one is the greatest of all, and that commandment is: ‘Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one; and you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, with all your mind and with all your strength.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second commandment is like this first; indeed, it springs directly therefrom, and it is: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these; on these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.”
Because Jesus led by example he was able, throughout his exemplary life, to augment these commandments by providing a personal and practical application of these essential principles. His spiritual attitude was clearly and consistently that of a loving parent. He was quick to correct, quick to forgive, and always ready to move on. There was no foreboding, no nursing of resentment, no harboring of grudges.
Jesus was never distracted by those who sought to distract and entrap him. He was never the victim of cognitive distortions. He had a heart for service and this is evidenced by his revelationary life together with the revolutionary statement: “I give you this new commandment: That you love one another even as I have loved you. And by this will all men know that you are my disciples if you thus love one another.”