I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary
Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: “Of all the radio stations in Chicago…we’re one of them.”
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
— Dave Barry
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-A. Whitney Brown
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
-William James
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it – and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again—and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
— Mark Twain
There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
— Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.
— Dave Barry
I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers — and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
-Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)
668: The Neighbor of the Beast
Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
— Emo Phillips
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
-F. P. Jones
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
— Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_
As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I’m doing or why you’re paying me so much money. What’s important is that you continue to do so.
— Hunter S. Thompson’s Samoan Attorney
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, “Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?”
— Quentin Crisp
Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.
-Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
-John F. Kennedy
Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
-Ashleigh Brilliant
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
— Ashleigh Brilliant
Her kisses left something to be desired-the rest of her.
Always try to do things in chronological order; it’s less confusing that way.
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
–David Letterman
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, “I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease”. Disraeli replied, “That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
-Johnny Carson
I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.
-Charles Barkley
My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.
— Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself “the
Charles Barkley of figure skating”
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain
Old Yiddish proverb: “If triangles had a God, He’d have three sides.”
Don’t worry about temptation-as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
-Old Farmer’s Almanac
“If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?”
“Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and
scatter oneself over a wide area.”
— Somewhere in No Man’s Land, BA4
The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
–Plutarch
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?”
Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.”
— Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]
The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
— Salvador Dali
What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.
— Sigmund Freud
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.
-Hunter S. Thompson
“Time’s fun when you’re having flies.”
— Kermit the Frog
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
-Mark Twain