Ascension Cafe

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a … Read more

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon”. In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release … Read more

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s … Read more

Alles Touristen und Non-Technischen Looken Peepers! Das machinkontrol is nicht for gefengerpoken und mittengrabben. Oderwise is easy schnappen der springenverk, blowenfus, und poppencorken mit spitzensparken. Der Machine is Diggen by Experten Only! Is nicht fur geverken by das dumpkopfen. Das rubber necken sightseenen keepen das cotton-picken hands in das pockets. So relaxen, und vatchen das … Read more

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his check-up the doctor called the wife into the office alone. He said, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.” 1. Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. 2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. 3. … Read more

Hello…..Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline……. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly; If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2; If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6; If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the phone until we … Read more

Collards is green, my dog’s name is Blue and I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flappin in the breeze. Softer than Blue’s and without all them fleas. You move like a bass, which excite me in May. You ain’t got scales but I luv you anyway. … Read more

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are DEMENTIA: I Think I’ll Be Home for Christmas NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks … Read more