Ascension Cafe

A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, “They don’t serve beer here, you moron!” The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face … Read more

A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as “She” or “Her”. But was unsure what was proper for computers. To solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group … Read more

Amanpreet was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn’t especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee. He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. … Read more

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?? “Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.” (Judy, 8) “Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife” (Tom, 5) WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A … Read more

Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they got them correct, they’re deemed cured and free to go. Jon was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that he’d be free if … Read more

Your blood pressure skyrockets when tourists are standing immobile on the left side of the escalator. You would rather suffer heatstroke than drink city water. You never refer to your boss by their name, just as either “my principal” or their title preceded by “the” (The Secretary, The Senator, etc…..) You find yourself saying “but … Read more

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20-foot room. When you hear the toilet flush and the … Read more

1. Doors: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during … Read more

22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN’s homepage to your bookmarks. 19. You have a “to … Read more