Ascension Cafe

A psychiatrist’s secretary walks into his study and says, “There’s a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he’s invisible.” The psychiatrist responds, “Tell him I can’t see him.”

Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the oldest profession (no, not THAT one!). The Doctor says, “Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine.” The Engineer shakes his head and replies, “No, … Read more

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. Lawyer’s creed: A man is innocent until proven broke. What … Read more

Questions from lawyers taken from official court records Was that the same nose you broke as a child? Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’ Q: Did he kill you? How long have you been a French Canadian? Do you have any … Read more

Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says “Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are.” Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below … Read more

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. “Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.” “Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.” “No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, … Read more

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the … Read more

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station … Read more

Hello…..Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline……. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly; If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2; If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6; If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the phone until we … Read more

Collards is green, my dog’s name is Blue and I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flappin in the breeze. Softer than Blue’s and without all them fleas. You move like a bass, which excite me in May. You ain’t got scales but I luv you anyway. … Read more