Ascension Cafe

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left … Read more

If you are considering doing some camping this Spring and Summer, please note the following public advisory: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears (grizzly, black, etc.) but be careful because they don’t scare Kodiak/brown bears. Tourists are cautioned … Read more

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I create a … Read more

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party…. The man decides that it’s time to go home, and wants to find out if his … Read more

Late one evening, a man showed some friends his apartment. One guest asked “What’s that big brass basin for?” “That’s the talking clock,” answered the man. He gave it an ear shattering pounding with a hammer. Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, “Knock it off, it’s 2 a.m., you idiot!”

Three sons of a Yiddishe Mama left their homeland, went abroad and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother. AVRAHAM, the first, said: “I built a big house for our mother.” MOISHE, the second, said: “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” DAVID, the youngest, said: “You remember … Read more

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.. Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes … Read more

Scene: A courtroom in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he’ll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. “Ladies and Gentleman of … Read more

A letter home from school Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your … Read more

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However,” he pointed out, “there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from the back … Read more