Ascension Cafe

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that humans had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell God so. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you; We’re to the point that … Read more

Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you … Read more

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? Coroner: No. Attorney: Did you listen to the heart? Coroner: No. Attorney: Did you check for breathing? Coroner: No. Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren’t sure the man was dead, were you? Coroner: Well, let me put it this … Read more

Element name: WOMAN Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there) Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled. Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able … Read more

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, “Preacher, I don’t believe the Bible mentions PMS.” The preacher replied … Read more

The following are actual sentences taken from insurance claims files where the driver tries to summarize the accident in the fewest words possible. 1) Coming home I drove into the wrong house causing me to collide with a tree I don’t have. 2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. … Read more

A Microsoft salesperson died and went to the place where destinies are handed out. The person in charge welcomed the Microsoft sales person and said: “We’re doing this different these days. I’m going to show you a video of heaven and a video of hell. Then, you can decide where you want to spend eternity.” … Read more

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?” The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce’s.” The attorney said, “Well, do you have any grounds?” The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.” The attorney said, “No, you … Read more

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on a recent afternoon, curiosity got the best of her so she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the … Read more

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The pyramids are a range of mountains between France … Read more