The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
“Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons ?”
“Well… as a matter if fact, Yes !” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”

When Ma & Pa first arrived on the homestead Pa installed a bell on the front porch and told Ma if trouble comes while I’m out in the field a plowin’ then you just ring that bell and I’ll come a running.
The next day Pa hears the bell and takes off for home. When he arrives Ma says, “Them boys are givin me a hard time about doin the chores and little Sammy done stuck the butter knife in the molassas without lickin the blade clean first.”
Pa says, “You mean I just run all the way in from the fields for this?? Next time it had better be important!”
The next day Pa hears the bell and takes off for home again. When he arrives his wife is in tears standing over a broke clothes line. “Pa”, she says “some jackass came ridin through here on a mule and ran right through the clothes line and rurnt the washin.” At first Pa was trying to figure out what was ridin what but then he yells “I told you not to ring that bell unless something bad was goin’ on. If this happens again I’m goin’ to raise holy hell!!!”
The next day Pa hears the bell again and grabbin up a board heads for home. When he arrives Ma is clinging to the porch rail with a spear in her back, the house behind her is in flames and the chickens are laying dead in the front yard, shot full of arrows.
Pa looks at Ma and says “Now that’s more like it.”

An elderly couple were experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class, where they teach you to remember things by association.
Later, the man was talking to a neighbor about how much the class helped him.
“Who was the instructor?” asked the neighbor.
“Oh, let’s see,” pondered the man. “Umm…what’s that flower, you know, that smells real nice, but it has those thorns…?”
“A rose?” offered the neighbor.
“Right,” said the man. He turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the guy we took that memory class from?”

1) A Guide to Arab Democracies
2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3) Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4) Career Opportunities for History Majors
5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6) Detroit – A Travel Guide (with a forward by H. Mainhardt)
7) Different Ways to Spell “BOB”
8) Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
9) Easy UNIX
10) Canadian Tips on World Dominance
11) Everything Men Know About Women
12) French Hospitality
13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
15) Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
16) Mormon Divorce Lawyers
17) Popular Lawyers
18) Staple Your Way to Success
19) Tasty Bile Recipes
20) The Amish Phone Book
21) Gypsy Sports Heroes
22) Gourmet Recipes From Michigan
23) Chic Mormon Hairstyles
24) Remarkable Texans
25) Around the World in a Peugeot
26) Fat-free German Cooking
27) English Tanning Secrets
28) The Charm of the South
29) Swiss Beaches- A Guide
30) Spicy Irish Cooking
31) Brilliant Spanish Military Campaigns
32) Great Cars of Russia
33) Advances in Chinese Human Rights
34) Investing – The Albanian Way

Questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers around the USA.
 
Grand Canyon National Park
————————————-
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom-where is it?
Is the mule train air conditioned?
So where are the faces of the presidents?
 
Everglades National Park
——————————-
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o’clock bus leave?
 
Denali National Park (Alaska)
———————————-
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
 
Mesa Verde National Park
———————————
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
What did they worship in the kivas – their own made-up religion?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?
 
Carlsbad Caverns National Park
——————————————
How much of the cave is underground?
So what’s in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this-just a hole in the ground?
 
Yosemite National Park
——————————-
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?
 
Yellowstone National Park
———————————
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
 
U.S. Civil War
———————————
Why were so many Civil War battles fought in National Parks?
Who had more airplanes, the North or the South?
What role did the United Nations play in the war?
How come the Indians didn’t use the war as a diversion to escape from America?
In what battle was President Lincoln killed?
How many of the Civil War battles were fought in Europe?
How many dogs and cats were killed during the war?
Which side had control of the Pentagon?
Which side was Hawaii on?
Why didn’t the North use missiles against the South?
What kind of car did U.S. Grant drive?
Are any of the scenes in the movie “Gettysburg” real war footage?
Why were the Federal troops always angry?
 
Actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips.
“A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.”
“Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.”
“Instead of a permit system of regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.”
‘Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.”
“Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.”
“Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.”
“Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.”
“Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in winter.”
“Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.”
“The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake.” Please eradicate these annoying animals.”
“Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.”
“Need more signs to keep area pristine.”
“A McDonald’s would be nice at the trailhead,”
‘The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.”
“Too many rocks in the mountains.”

Grandpa and grand daughter were sitting talking when she asked, “Did God make you, Grandpa?”
“Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me too?”
“Yes, He did,” the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. “You know, Grandpa,” she said, “God’s doing a lot better job lately.”

An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Spokane Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, asked, “By the way, what’s with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He’s been there ever since I arrived.”
“Oh that’s ‘Big Chief Forget-me Not’,” said the manager. “The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as ‘Big Chief Forget-me Not’ because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life.”
The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief’s memory to the test.
“‘ello, mate!” said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. “What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?”
“Eggs,” was the chief’s instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed.
He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others others of Big Chief Forget-me Not’s great memory. (One local noted to him that ‘How’ was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than ”ello mate.’) On his return to the Spokane Hilton six months later was surprised to see ‘Big Chief Forget-me Not’ still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.
“How?” said the Aussie.
“Scrambled,” said the Chief.

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
“Now what ?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.
“Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup.” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
“Oh great ! NOW you tell me.” said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. “I got a wife and three kids and I’d love to have you visit us.”
“Great. Where do you live?”
“Here’s the address. And there’s plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I’ll let you in.”
“Good. But tell me…what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?”
“Surely, you’re not coming empty-handed.”

Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close shop. Terrified, the friars did so–thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!