A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, “If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat.” The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself.
The woman looks up and says, “If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan.” The girl gives her the fan, too.
Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, “Stop, I want to get off here.” The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, “If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here.”
The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she’s walking out of the bus, he asks, “Madam, what is it you have?”
The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, “Chutzpah.”

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn’t aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.”That’s fantastic”, the man said. “Hasn’t he scored three bulls?”
The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.
“Yes, sir!”, he announced to the crowd. “This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!”
“I don’t want any bloody glasses”, the drunk replied. “Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!”

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
“Dam”.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What is a zebra?
The largest size.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
. . . and what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted – telepath: you know where to apply
I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
I love cats … they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Keep honking, I’m reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
Cats… the other white meat.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Forget about World Peace…..Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He/She who laughs last thinks slowest
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They’ll be choosing your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… till you can find a rock.
I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you, Rabbi,” he whispered. “When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him!”

A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, “They don’t serve beer here, you moron!”
The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.
“And what’s so funny?” the New Yorker demands.
Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!”

A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as “She” or “Her”. But was unsure what was proper for computers.
To solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group was female.
The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as “HE” because:
1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model.
The group of men reported that computers should be referred to as “SHE” because:
1. No one but the creator understands their logic.
2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Amanpreet was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn’t especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee. He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.
“Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?” he said. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, “Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.”
“Good,” Amanpreet said. “Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.”

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??
“Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.” (Judy, 8)
“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife” (Tom, 5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??
“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date” (Mike, 10)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??
“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own DVD, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding” (Jim, 10)
“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours” (Kally, 9)
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??
“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them” (Lynette, 9)
“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble” (Kenny, 7)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular” (Jan,9)
“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful” (Harlen, 8)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
“Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life” (Roger, 9)
“If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long” (Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful” (Jeanne, 8)
“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet” (Gary, 7)
“Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time”(Christine,9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them” (Dave, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
“I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘The Simpsons’ is on television” (Anita, 6)
“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me” (Bobby, 8)
“I’m not rushing into being in love-I’m finding fourth grade hard enough” (Regina, 10)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
“One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills” (Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
“Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores” (Del, 6)
“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love” (Alonzo, 9)
“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me” (Bart, 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT
ARE IN LOVE?
“Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love” (John, 9)
“Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food” (Brad, 8)
“It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are on fire” (Christine,9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY “I LOVE YOU”
“The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day” (Michelle, 9)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
“You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you”(Doug, 7)
“It might help to watch soap operas all day” (Carin, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
“It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That’s why I stopped doing it” (Jean, 10)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
“Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work” (Tom, 7)
“Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash” (Randy, 8)

Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they got them correct, they’re deemed cured and free to go.
Jon was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, “Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?”
Jon said, “I’d be half blind.”
“That’s correct. What if I poked out both eyes?”
“I’d be completely blind.” The doctor stood up, shook Jon’s hand, and told him he was free.
On Jon’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.
So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, “What would happen if I cut off one ear?”
Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, “I’d be half blind.”
The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. “What if I cut off the other ear?”
“I’d be completely blind,” Amanpreet answered.
“Amanpreet, can you explain how you’d be *blind*?”
“My hat would fall down over my eyes.”