Your blood pressure skyrockets when tourists are standing immobile on the left side of the escalator.
You would rather suffer heatstroke than drink city water.
You never refer to your boss by their name, just as either “my principal” or their title preceded by “the” (The Secretary, The Senator, etc…..)
You find yourself saying “but it’s only $1.5 billion.”
People just call the city “DC”
The government closes schools because there is a 40% CHANCE of snow (That is if they aren’t already closed to tar the roofs)
Everyone calls the 10 inches of snow last year “THE GREAT BLIZZARD”
All the people on the city board know the mayor from their time in Lorton together
There are 15 main ways out of the city onto the highway but no signs to say where these are.
You spend 2 hours to find a parking space and it’s for “one hour only”
The road you are on is suddenly interrupted by a building
People give different directions to get to the same destination depending on the day you are going there.
The weather man declares the weather is suddenly a cool 89 degrees with only 90% humidity and you are happy.
Diplomat license plates bring on anxiety attacks.
The weatherman calls for 2 inches of snow and you have to rush to the grocery store to buy diapers, milk, bread, and toilet paper and you don’t even have a baby.
You watch the World/National News to find out what to do this weekend.
You race for the elevator.
You dream of moving to the suburbs only to look out the window of your $300,000 house directly into your neighbor’s window 4 feet away.
Nobody you know actually makes anything.
Most of your friends want to become “independent consultants” (or have)
All of your friends are either:
a. Lawyers,
b. Computer People,
c. Work for some gov’t organization with a short abbreviation (i.e.. IRS, DOD, DOI, etc..)
d. Work “for the Pentagon” or “on the Hill” or “for the White House” (i.e. they work for a location, but not for anyone)
Knowing somebody that can get you into an embassy, white house, or congressional party is a status symbol.
People talk in acronyms and they actually understand each other.
When you ask someone what they do for a living they respond “I would tell you but I’d have to kill you”. And they are serious.
When you hit a softball and it bounces off the Washington Monument, it isn’t vandalism, it’s a ground rule double.
No one you know is actually from here.

In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a “Quik Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!”
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage.
Sticking it in my face she said, “See, it says right here, ‘The three wise men came from afar.'”

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20-foot room.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak – it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5-minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

1. Doors: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
2. Chairs and Rugs: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human’s bare foot.
3. Bathrooms: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything —–just sit there and stare.
4. Hampering: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping”, otherwise known as “hampering”. Following are the rules for “hampering”
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often, reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to “hamper” work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammock in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income tax or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim…….to “hamper”. First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
5. Walking: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
6. Bedtime: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
7. Play: This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important, though to maintain one’s dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately, wash a part of your body as if to say “I MEANT to do that !”. It fools those humans every time.
Favorite Cat Games
“Catch Mouse”; the humans would have you believe that those lumps under the
covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
“King of The Hill”: This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account. WARNING: Playing either one of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddling up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.
Favorite Cat Toys: Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys.
–Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can’t play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
–Dangly and /or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your dignity. When your humans have a party always look for the person who is allergic, a good sit in the lap is also effective, make one last desperate attempt to convert.!!

22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food
bags out of the back seat of your car.
21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that
they do not have e-mail addresses.
20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN’s homepage to your bookmarks.
19. You have a “to do list” that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
18. You actually emailed your Christmas list to your parents.
17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don’t even exist any more.
11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits.
10. You get all excited when it’s Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
6. You think that “progressing an action plan” and “calendarizing” a project” are acceptable English phrases.
5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors.
4. You ask your friends to “think out of the box” when making Friday night plans.
3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
2. You think a “half-day” means leaving at 5 o’clock.
And the number 1 sign you’ve had too much of this decade:
1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

An old woman saved a fairy’s life. To repay this, the fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes. For the first wish, the old lady asked to be young and beautiful. Poof! She was young and beautiful. For the second wish, the old lady asked to be the richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.
For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth. The old lady and the fairy said their goodbyes.
After the fairy left, the handsome man strolled over to her and asked, “Now aren’t you sorry you had me neutered?”

A guy walks into his doctor’s office. He says, “Doctor, I’m suffering from silent gas emissions. All day at work, I have these silent gas emissions. Last night during a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions. This morning in the car on the way to your office, I had five silent gas emissions. And while waiting in your waiting room I had three silent gas emissions. Right now, as a matter of fact, I’ve just had two more.”
The doctor replied, “Well, the first thing we’re going to check is your hearing!”

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool next to a smaller fellow. The smaller guy looks at the first guy, grabs him by the arms and neck, and says “That’s a choke-hold from Judo.” and lets go. The first guy, figuring that the little guy is just a bit drunk, lets it slide.
Two minutes later, he finds himself in another hold, and the little fellow says “That’s a secret bracing hold in Karate.” Now the guy is getting a little steamed, but he lets it pass.
Five minutes later, the little fellow jumps on him again, and puts him in another compromising position. He says “That’s a Death Move in Tae Kwon Do.”
Now the guy is angry and quickly leaves the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back into the bar, and the little fellow is still at the bar, waiting for another drink. The guy walks up to him, and before the little fellow can move, he lunges at him, his arm flying out from behind his back. The little fellow falls off of his stool, and is out cold.
He turns to the bartender and says “That was a monkey wrench from Sears!”

* Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
* Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
* Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
* Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
* Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
* How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
* If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
* If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
* If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
* If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
* You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
* Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
* Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
* Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
* You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
* If you throw your pet cat out your car window would that be called CAT LITTER?
* If you choke a Smurf, What color would it turn?
* Corn oil is made from corn, olive oil comes from olives, so what is Baby Oil made of?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.