Ascension Cafe

Laws of Forbidden Places Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of … Read more

The Pope dies & goes to heaven. He’s met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original texts of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so … Read more

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it’s getting worse. Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and … Read more

The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary: HEIDI – noun. Greeting. HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire yew?” BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.” Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.” JAWJUH – noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: “My brother … Read more

A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. “What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

Feeling Stressed? Picture yourself near a stream… Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air… Nothing can bother you here… No one knows this secret place… You are in total seclusion from that place called The World… The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity… The … Read more

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as Gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

Radar: “Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.” Pilot: “Roger, but we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?” Radar: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?”

Fellow 1 : “Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too.” Fellow 2 : “Wow, that’s Incredible. How did he … Read more

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages … Read more