Ascension Cafe

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the … Read more

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station … Read more

Hello…..Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline……. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly; If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2; If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6; If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the phone until we … Read more

Collards is green, my dog’s name is Blue and I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flappin in the breeze. Softer than Blue’s and without all them fleas. You move like a bass, which excite me in May. You ain’t got scales but I luv you anyway. … Read more

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left … Read more

If you are considering doing some camping this Spring and Summer, please note the following public advisory: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears (grizzly, black, etc.) but be careful because they don’t scare Kodiak/brown bears. Tourists are cautioned … Read more

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I create a … Read more

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party…. The man decides that it’s time to go home, and wants to find out if his … Read more

Late one evening, a man showed some friends his apartment. One guest asked “What’s that big brass basin for?” “That’s the talking clock,” answered the man. He gave it an ear shattering pounding with a hammer. Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, “Knock it off, it’s 2 a.m., you idiot!”

Three sons of a Yiddishe Mama left their homeland, went abroad and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother. AVRAHAM, the first, said: “I built a big house for our mother.” MOISHE, the second, said: “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” DAVID, the youngest, said: “You remember … Read more