Ascension Cafe

Before going home for Christmas … Go to the back of your closet, and take out those ugly sweaters and shirts that your parents gave you last Christmas. Then toss them into the washer with a few large stones, or run a sanding block over them a few times. Make sure that they look old … Read more

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again. I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four-star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks. I … Read more

Alabama: At Least We’re not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t be Wrong! Arizona: But It’s a Dry Heat Arkansas: Litterasy Ain’t Everthing California: As Seen on TV Colorado: 400,000 Square Miles of Identity Crisis Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water Florida: Ask … Read more

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that humans had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell God so. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you; We’re to the point that … Read more

Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you … Read more

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? Coroner: No. Attorney: Did you listen to the heart? Coroner: No. Attorney: Did you check for breathing? Coroner: No. Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren’t sure the man was dead, were you? Coroner: Well, let me put it this … Read more

Element name: WOMAN Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there) Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled. Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able … Read more

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, “Preacher, I don’t believe the Bible mentions PMS.” The preacher replied … Read more

The following are actual sentences taken from insurance claims files where the driver tries to summarize the accident in the fewest words possible. 1) Coming home I drove into the wrong house causing me to collide with a tree I don’t have. 2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. … Read more

A Microsoft salesperson died and went to the place where destinies are handed out. The person in charge welcomed the Microsoft sales person and said: “We’re doing this different these days. I’m going to show you a video of heaven and a video of hell. Then, you can decide where you want to spend eternity.” … Read more