Bob Kalk

Hello…..Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline……. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly; If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2; If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6; If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the phone until we … Read more

Collards is green, my dog’s name is Blue and I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flappin in the breeze. Softer than Blue’s and without all them fleas. You move like a bass, which excite me in May. You ain’t got scales but I luv you anyway. … Read more

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are DEMENTIA: I Think I’ll Be Home for Christmas NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks … Read more

When the moon hits your eye Like a big pizza pie That’s amore. When an eel bites your hand And that’s not what you planned That’s a moray. When our habits are strange And our customs deranged That’s our mores. When your horse munches straw And the bales total four That’s some more hay. When … Read more

(Sung to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman) “Diety of choice, or simply Nature rest ye merry gentle (yet strong and capable) people, let nothing you dismay; Remember, a figure of history and literature to whom some attribute deity-like characteristics was born upon this day, To save those of us who believe in … Read more

Judi is speaking to her psychiatrist. Judi: “I’m on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me.” Psychiatrist: “Don’t you have a phone in your car?” J: “That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car. P: … Read more

The major newspapers, recently published a new photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the latest Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene. . .

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her. “I am going to eat you for lunch!”, said the fox. “Wait!”, replied the rabbit, “You should at … Read more

Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither … Read more

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, “There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn. “No problem,” … Read more