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Hickphonics

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The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary: HEIDI – noun. Greeting. HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire yew?” BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.” Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.” JAWJUH – noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: “My brother … Read more

The Diagnosis

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A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. “What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

Relaxation Technique

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Feeling Stressed? Picture yourself near a stream… Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air… Nothing can bother you here… No one knows this secret place… You are in total seclusion from that place called The World… The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity… The … Read more

Noise Abatement

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Radar: “Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.” Pilot: “Roger, but we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?” Radar: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?”

The Premonition

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Fellow 1 : “Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too.” Fellow 2 : “Wow, that’s Incredible. How did he … Read more

It’s a Dog’s Life!

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A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages … Read more

Two Applicants – One Job

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Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went … Read more

Pulled Over in Texas

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Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, “Why’d you do that? The trooper says, “You’re in … Read more