For my birthday this year my wife bought me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
They suggested I keep an “exercise diary” to chart my progress.
Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She’s something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.
Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven’s sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can’t imagine anything worse.
Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can’t help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word “dumb” must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men’s room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya – I don’t have triceps. And if you don’t want dents in the floor don’t hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
Day 6. Got Tanya’s message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7. Well, that’s the week. Thank goodness that’s over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual “3 to 1, majority rules” statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.
“Oh, God!” he cried. “I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!”
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. “A sign from God! See, I’m right, I knew it!” But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: “Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!” This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.
“I told you I was right!” cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, “Oh God…,” the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, “HEEEEEEEE’S RIIIIIIIGHT!”
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, “Well?”
“So,” shrugged one of the other rabbis, “now it’s 3 to 2.”

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, “If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat.” The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself.
The woman looks up and says, “If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan.” The girl gives her the fan, too.
Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, “Stop, I want to get off here.” The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, “If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here.”
The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she’s walking out of the bus, he asks, “Madam, what is it you have?”
The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, “Chutzpah.”

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn’t aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.”That’s fantastic”, the man said. “Hasn’t he scored three bulls?”
The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.
“Yes, sir!”, he announced to the crowd. “This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!”
“I don’t want any bloody glasses”, the drunk replied. “Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!”

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
“Dam”.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What is a zebra?
The largest size.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
. . . and what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted – telepath: you know where to apply
I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
I love cats … they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Keep honking, I’m reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
Cats… the other white meat.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Forget about World Peace…..Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He/She who laughs last thinks slowest
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They’ll be choosing your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… till you can find a rock.
I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you, Rabbi,” he whispered. “When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him!”

A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, “They don’t serve beer here, you moron!”
The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.
“And what’s so funny?” the New Yorker demands.
Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!”

A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as “She” or “Her”. But was unsure what was proper for computers.
To solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group was female.
The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as “HE” because:
1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model.
The group of men reported that computers should be referred to as “SHE” because:
1. No one but the creator understands their logic.
2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Amanpreet was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn’t especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee. He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.
“Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?” he said. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, “Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.”
“Good,” Amanpreet said. “Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.”